Nudge :)

The "Itch"

I get "itches".....

.....
......
...........

Long nice pause for that nice long, awkward effect.

No no. Not THAT kind of itch.

More like the itch you get when you put on a scratchy sweater. Except for not at all.

It's a restless itch. Maybe even a "stirring", one might say...a sort of "want to flap my arms right now in public but can't because that's against all social norms" kind of thing. Nahmean? (Or am I the only one who ever gets the urge to flap their arms in public? Really? No one?...hmm...strange).

I had a plan. I was going to leave. Get in my car and drive. Rent a tent. Pack up my hiking pack. Moab. St. George. Mentally I was already there. I was going to ditch out on my meeting happening at 11 this morning, ditch out on church happening on Sunday. And just breathe somewhere. Do something. Have some kind of adventure.

It's the adventure itch--the kind you can't buy cream for (ha!).

Oh I was tempted. So very very tempted.

And then I ran into a fella I met last semester. Us meeting was totally random (as in, having-a-cookie-competition-and-he-and-his-friend-were-pulled-in-to-be-unbiased-judges-off-the-street-and-I-recognized- him-because-he-said-good-morning-to-me-every-other-day-kind of random) and us running into each other was a bit random too (as in, walking-home-from-doing-my-first-review-session-with-students-as-a-TA-talking-to-my-mom-about-my-Uganda-project-and-him-just-walking-up-next-to-me-kind of random). Did I lose you anywhere?

So no, I didn't climb any cliffs or put my life in danger or hitch hike. I didn't end up sleeping in my car somewhere crazy or in a tent in the wilderness.
I spent my night with one of my dear roommates, "random guy" and his roommates, on top of a roof of an apartment complex flinging racquetballs across the street using a giant blue, rubber band trying to hit my apartment window....

So I've decided that small adventures count too.

*Grateful for fellas pulling me up on top of a three-story building at one in the morning. *Grateful for my roommate for coming with me. *Grateful for "random fella" and his roommates for just being so much fun.

Cool. :)

I think the itch has subsided....

....for now....

Geeking out

Okay, can I just geek out for a few minutes? Is that okay?

You can time me. I promise it will only be a few minutes.

I'll even refrain from putting on those "high-water" overalls I love so much when moments like these arise.

It'll be hard. But I do it for you.

So today...this very day...I went to a conference about some research being done concerning violence against women and family law. The premise was that family law was directly correlated with violence against women. Meaning, all those religious laws that countries hold so dear (e.g. polygamy, dowry practices, child marriage, etc.) are totally the cause (or a great determinant predictor/variable)  of sexual assault, discrimination, rape, and murder. Anyways, the whole study is a bit "statisticky" so I'll spare thee.

The geek out moment?

In order to do this study and pull out this data--which was then used  to inform Canada against making polygamy legal (and other countries on other such policies) --they used the very database that I am currently working on/for!!! The WomanStats Project. Check it out!

http://womanstats.org/

I was sitting in the audience with this big stupid grin on my face.

Totally cool.

Grateful to be a part of something so significant and important.

Okay okay okay.....I like the overalls--alright?! I couldn't help it....

Too Vague?

Hello faithful fans, faithful strangers...unsuspecting browsers. And "next blog" clickers.

I've been meaning to post for a while....

Which is usually the story. (My brother would yell right now if he were reading this: NO EXCUSES! NOW GET DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY......)......*pause*........

[Twenty Push Ups Later]

But you know how life is. Busy writing papers and finishing finals. Busy quitting jobs and getting new ones. Busy watching movies and taking naps. . . (woe-est me) ((Yes I am aware the phrase is actually "woe is me"))(((not really.....I actually typed "woe-est me" and then googled it.....so I guess NOW I'm aware the phrase is actually "woe is me". No judgers here, friend. There's the door.)))

But it's still a really good thing to count your blessings. I continue to stand by that belief today. Grateful people are happy people. I testify of it. Amen. Hallelujah. All of that good stuff.

I digress.

There has been plenty of things I've pondered writing about. . . roommates and how wonderful they are. . . cherished memories and how lifting they can be. . . family, friends, good food and random dance parties in the living room. . .  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI3RGfC7fv8). . . .

But I suppose I just want to say that I'm grateful for life in general. I know that that may sound sort of like a cop out. You're thinking right now "oh wow that's profound....just be grateful for everything! Wow, Missa, Wow! Way to be vague, you indecisive silly nilly".

To that I say: okay, first of all... who says silly nilly?? I can't believe that popped into your head. Out of all the things you might have called me (either better fitting or more offensive) you pick silly nilly? Wow. Impressive.

And then I'd go on to say: Yes. Life in general. I'm grateful for the tears I've cried these past few months. I'm glad I feel so much for others. I'm glad I've been blessed with a heart that is sensitive. I used to think it a curse.  I'd get so depressed every time someone would tell me something bad had happened to them. Super depressed. I'd soak in all the bad and pray to God to relieve my loved ones--and strangers, even--to help me make their burdens light.....unable to do so would ruin me....I've suffered depression from this...many times......I'm still like that to an extent. Though now I pray to God to help me know when I've reached my limits and to have peace in my heart that I cannot solve every person's problem no matter how hard I try.....I still try.....I'm grateful. I've cried tears for my own woes. I've cried because of something a loved one said to me. Hurtful. I'm grateful for these moments because they teach me more about myself and how to understand others....to consider why they would say such a thing. To see a new perspective and grow a little bit stronger..... I'm grateful.

I'm grateful for all the silly moments. For all the times I've looked like a fool and  made someone laugh. I do that. I do that a lot. I feel the need to fill silence with jokes and puns. I get into this zone and there's no guessing what will happen. I make a fool of myself. I am aware. I know some people laugh with me in good fun and others stare at me like I'm an idiot. I'm grateful though. I love to laugh. I love to laugh at myself and make others have a good time. Sometimes it is at the expense of my own dignity. But that is okay. I'm grateful for those who also make me laugh. My brothers are the funniest people I have ever known. We laugh for days when we're together. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone about this just because it was so silly but just the other day Andrew, Erk, and I came up with a little game on the whim. Erik had just gotten home with a bunch of cash tips. Andrew, being Andrew, took the cash and slapped me across the face with it. My face stinging a bit he yelled "guess how much!" I'd guess and then I'd take the pile of dollar bills and slap him across the face. He'd guess and it'd continue. The winner got to slap the loser across the face with the money five times in a row. hahaha....goodness we were laughing so hard just because it was so stupid. Erik would tell us if we were right or not whenever we guessed.....Stupid, funny, childish---I'll take it all. Life is no life at all without being silly.

I'm grateful for hard things. For having to do things that stretch me and push me to my limits. I'm glad I feel stressed sometimes and experience tough challenges in my life. I've learned so much.

I'm grateful for awkward conversations and painful small talk. I always joke with my brothers when we go to Wal Mart here in my home town. I tell them that the name of the game is to not run into anyone I know--especially people I went to school with. Small talk is so forced so awkward. But I'm grateful because it means people still have manners. Plus, its usually something to laugh about later (as soon as we get out of ear shot). I have a hard time going to church too. But it's the opposite effect. I'm always really happy to see people and so I just go into crazy hug mode and hug them all. Because I hug them all one time now I feel like I have to hug them every time I see them--just to be consistent ya know? And sometimes I feel like people get a little weirded out by that. But eh. I'm grateful for them putting up with me and my crazy huggy self. Hug one, gotta hug 'em all. C'mon....I know you do the same thing! Don't even lie!

I'm grateful for a warm home, a wonderful family, and true friends. I was able to see one of my BFFs on Thursday. She's 8 years older than me with 5 kids but goodness I just adore that lady. Leslie is really, sincerely the coolest. I enjoy our visits and rock climbing with her and just hanging out. All of my high school friends I feel don't really give a hoot what I do or if they see me when I come back to Colorado but golly....Leslie just is amazing at making you feel so loved. She's like that with many people she meets too. Her and her family is just a blessing and I'm so glad she likes to hang out with me even if I'm a bit young and naive. I'm so grateful for her.
My aunt Vicki and Uncle Steve also came to Colorado for Christmas this year. All three of their children are out on their missions and I can tell they miss them so much. It was so great seeing them and bonding with them. I'm glad they could come out. I could tell they needed it. Family being there for each other is just one of the greatest things to be a part of and witness in life.
And of course, I love seeing my brudders and parents and grandparents.

Goodness I'm spoiled.

I could go on. I could cover every aspect of life and the next thing you know, you'd have read thirty pages of this strange blogger you've never even met (or have met and never dreamed of learning so much about).

Just be grateful, friends.

Be grateful for this life you have been given. It is so fragile and precious. You are so precious. You are so loved. I'm grateful for you as well, good people. I get views on my blog every day. I don't know who you are. Maybe you're the people who keep adding me on facebook (which, by the way--if you are--I'm really sorry but I just don't feel comfortable with adding foreign strangers on the Facebook page.....nothing personal....please stop adding me...). So thank you. Thank you for showing interest in my seemingly small life over in my small corner of the world.

Give thanks always and have a wonderful, Happy New Year!
:)

Make it a good one, party people.

no really....

I already have my (non-alcoholic) party hat on. Do you?

Those striving for change

I went to a change maker fair yesterday. Peery Film Festival. There were a number of inspiring films dealing with global issues, describing amazing projects, and showing success and failure with such projects. Booths lined the JFSB lobby.
So many booths.

So many students.

So many ideas and dedicated people to making the world a better place.

I took fliers on micro-enterprise, social ventures, projects dealing with educating the world, projects that help people in developing countries build businesses--get out of poverty, stop human trafficking. I joined an international development club and an international amnesty club.

I watched a movie about a program called Vasanti (maybe, that might not be the right name) that gave loans to students all around the globe--loans through donations! Working with banks and schools, students were finding the means to become educated in high risk areas. It was wonderful!

I saw Girl Rising.

The film was beautiful, heart breaking. I plan on buying the film and organizing a community viewing. Soon.  

These are real problems. Big problems. 

I cried. I laughed. I smiled. I was filled with joy and sadness. 

At the end of the night, my heart was full. 

So many students speaking to internship recruiters. So many people who care about what goes on in the world.  It was incredible. 

I'm grateful such people exist. I'm grateful for all those I saw in the films who live and persevere in harsh conditions, against all odds. I'm grateful for the organizations and projects and students and ideas that are being put forth. I'm grateful for all the books I'm reading and all the wisdom I'm receiving from authors who have gone before me. Invaluable knowledge sitting on my shelf. 

This field is new and exciting. Never before has an international development career been at the level of demand as it is now. And it continues to rise. People continue to join the forces. 

It's beautiful. Maybe that's why I was born during this time period. 

To join those forces. 

I'd like to think so. 

Cheers to change. 

Now go watch Girl Rising and educate yourself.  

The day I realized I was a feminist

I was first kissed by a boy at the young age of fourteen. He was sixteen, beautiful, and ridiculously smooth. I had never (nor have I since) felt such a rush. Heart pounding, face blushing, my knees went weak and I physically felt dizzy. I don't think I stopped smiling for the next twenty-four hours. After that my whole world became consumed with concern of what he thought, what he liked, what he said, how he acted, and if he liked me as much as I liked him.

He broke my heart after I refused him sex one summer, Saturday afternoon.

When I was seventeen, two of my good friends were raped. I sobbed with both on two different, separate occasions. I remember sitting in the grass, my shoulder soaked from tears, holding each other.

I was weird because I enjoyed math and chemistry in high school, laughed at because I didn't feel comfortable when told dirty jokes and didn't appreciate the boys saying sexual things to me. After high school, I had a manager once tell me that I was only hired to look at. He made his intentions very clear on more than one occasion. When his sexual harassment ceased to desist, I quit.

Once, a boy pinned me against a wall and shoved his tongue down my throat. I was at a friend's house and went into the bathroom to relieve myself. He was hiding in the shower.  He was my boyfriend's brother.

I was taught to never go out alone at night and to dress modestly in order to keep young men pure. I have pepper spray and sometimes feel anxiety when I'm left home alone for a long period of time. In college, my opinion in a group of men usually goes unnoticed. I always have to prove myself before anyone will take me seriously.

On first dates when telling a gentleman of my career plans I often get the inquiry: "oh...so you don't want children?"
Once a job recruiter explicitly stated that the job he was recruiting for wasn't suitable for me because I was a woman. It was a door-to-door sales job. A job I had once before in the past. He didn't even ask me about my skills or experience.

I dated a guy once who left a bruise on my right arm. He was angry with me and instead of hitting me, he pinned me against the wall and bit me.

I've been told multiple times that I need to get married and find a man. Married women feel the need to reassure me that "there's a guy out there for me" and I've been set up on more blind dates than I care to remember.

I'm not baring my soul and airing my dirty laundry to victimize myself. No, that's not my point. I've had to rely heavily on my savior, Jesus Christ, and the Atonement to let go of a lot of anger, bitterness, and hurt. Through Him I testify that I am whole. I don't hate men. I don't believe that women who stay home and take care of their children are "doing it all wrong" nor do I wish to hold the priesthood (if you're not Mormon and don't understand this, go ahead and contact your local missionaries and visit the lds.org website). I do want to get married someday and have a family and yes, I believe that men and women are inherently different. Equity can still exist even when men and women differ.
Here's my point: sexism still exists. Men and women are not playing on a level field. The quality of living for women is very much lessened especially in developing countries. This is a problem. It's a problem for everyone. Do I believe that women should take the place of men and dominate? No. Do I believe that men and women should work together on an equal base? Yes. I've experienced the degradation and attitudes that come along with being a woman. Women live in a different world than men. It's upsetting to me that my bodily integrity and that of women I love around me is constantly at risk. The domestic violence rates are ridiculous. The small, every day, attitudes and sexist comments are degrading. Women are even attacking women and furthering the damaging process.
So this is what I mean when I say that I'm a feminist:
Society needs to change--the world needs to change. Women need to be taken into consideration more often especially in making policies and laws. Women need to be encouraged to pursue their education and goals, not held back or demeaned. Safety for women needs to be more of a priority. Job security for women also needs to be more of a priority (the number one predictor of poverty in America today is being a mother--not a father, or a single adult--a mother (*Hudson et al.)). The reproductive activities in the form of child raising and household duties need to be considered in economics and appreciated ("the unpaid labor of women, if valued monetarily, would translate into about 40% of the world's gross product" -UNIFEM). Every man and woman should have the right to choose who they marry and when they marry. Every man, woman, and child should have the right to realize their full potential and have peace and safety as they live their lives.
As a feminist, I hope for a better world and am willing to fight for it. Therefore, I simply do not understand all the stigma surrounding the word, "feminist".
I am a feminist.

So, no. I don't appreciate the women jokes, the stereotypical comments, or being evaluated like a piece of meat.  I hate songs and other media where women are seen as sexual objects and despise movies and TV shows that couple sex and violence towards women.

But this is a gratitude blog and not just one for soapbox moments.
I'm grateful for my Savior and the Atonement, for the gospel, and wonderful social support I feel being a Latter Day Saint. For those who helped my dear friends who were raped as they went through such a traumatizing point in their life. I'm grateful for the wonderful men in my life, namely my five wonderful brothers, my wonderful father, my two grandpas and great grandfathers, and all my uncles and cousins as well as those gentlemen I continue to meet who give me hope. I cannot give thanks enough to my Father in Heaven for the education I am receiving and the many opportunities I am being presented with. I'm grateful for the comfort I find through prayer and for being born into such a wonderful family. I continue to be blessed by so many wonderful women in my life who encourage, support, and treasure--not only me--but all others they come into contact with. They are surely such a gift to the world. My mother is so very dear to my heart. I'm grateful for her showing me the value of being sensitive, loving, and tender. I treasure my relationship with my mother immensely. Both of my grandmothers are such a tremendous blessing  in my life. They bring so much light and love into the world and I truly, deeply admire and respect and love them and all that they do. My aunts and cousins are also extraordinary women whom I very much appreciate and adore. I can't even begin to iterate how much I respect, love and am thankful for my sister-in-law.
I'm grateful for the programs and people who are fighting for women in all countries and my heart leaps for joy whenever I hear of parents who refuse to bind their little girls' feet, who do not leave their baby girls in trash cans and who fight and even runaway with their daughters when their lives are threatened due to cultural "laws". I'm grateful for these good people. I'm grateful for the men who stand up to other men for women. If men did this more often, I really do believe that the world would change over night.

I'm not bitter. I'm a happy person. I have the light of Christ in my life and am very blessed.
Valerie Hudson, a woman I highly admire, once said that the most feminist thing a person can do is share the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I'm a feminist...I'm not a bad, crazy person. I'm not a man hater. I shouldn't be feared. I just want to change the world for the better.




*Hudson, V.; Ballif-Spanvill, B.; Caprioli, M.; & Emmett, C. Sex and World Peace 

Thankful for callings in the church

Little Place

Where shall I work today, dear Lord
and my love flowed warm and free.
He answered and said,
"See that little place?
Tend that place for me".
 
I answered and I said,
"Oh no, not there,
No one would ever see
No matter how well my work was done,
Not that little place for me!"
 
His voice when He spoke,
Was soft and kind,
He answered me tenderly,
"Little one, search that heart of thine,
Are you working for them or Me?"
 
"Nazareth was a little place,
And so was Galilee."

Source: /Devotions for Women on the Go/, Stephen Arterburn & Pam Farrel