Dating Stories

I have got to stop letting people set me up on blind dates. Since arriving at college, I've almost been on more blind dates than regular ones. Almost. But still. I'm flattered my friends are so concerned about my relationship status buuuuuuuut.........I think I got it. Ya know?

This date was bland and the fella a bit boring. Nice.  But really really boring. I found myself day dreaming while he talked. Seriously. My mind was so far gone, I'm surprised he didn't notice the glazed over look in my eye. My older brother insists that its quite noticeable and very rude. (Say something more interesting, than, big bro! hehehe).
But it got me thinking about  all those other crazy dates I've been on and all those crazy fellas I've dated (or  haven't but who didn't go down without a fight).  Mainly from high school. Some from college. And though most memories are very ridiculous, it makes me laugh in retrospect. So I'm grateful for all the dating stories and all those fellas who managed to get Melissa Tingey out on a date. I think a few of them still have their "I took Melissa Tingey out on a date and all I got was this stupid t-shirt" shirts.....

Here are some of my best stories or at least my most memorable ones (all names have been changed...just in case....don't want any awkward, angry text messages, or heaven forbid--strongly worded emails!)

I'm not sure how best to record all these so I'm just going to start.

I once thought I liked a boy (usually how it all starts, right?) until he came over and started clipping his fingernails on my kitchen table......all the while talking about this and that--completely oblivious to my dead-giveaway facial expression that I was very uncomfortable with his growing pile of clippings. He wanted to see me but this also needed to be done. What a multi-tasker! He'll make someone very happy some day I'm sure.

Another time I had the move put on me by two guys at the same time on the same night on the same couch. We were all watching a movie. Me being oblivious and naiive as to why these boys sat on either side of me. Thinking their intentions were entirely honorable and innocent. It was the comfiest couch! How was I supposed to know or predict what was going to happen?  Boy #1 went low, sneaking his arm around my waist, right behind my back while Boy #2 went high, moments after Boy #1 made his move, doing the cool and classic "yawn stretch" to get his arm around my shoulders. Probably one of the funniest and most awkward situations I've ever been in. What's more is that these two boys were friends. We were all friends. I thought we were all JUST FRIENDS. So I sat there, rigid, hands in my lap, being careful not to lean left or right. Trying not to laugh. Face incredibly red. Grateful for the lights being off. Just watching a movie, right? How did I get out of that one? I don't remember. I might have blacked out. Or maybe I think I just sat forward. Both boys withdrew after that. It was never spoken of. Yah, I probably blacked out...

Then once upon a time, there was a boy named Ned (not really--I just made up that name)...or shall we call him Bruno? I've always wanted to date a guy named Bruno (also not true--just made that up as well. Didn't even think about ever dating a guy named Bruno until just now but now that I think about it, I'm sure it wouldn't be all that bad. Melissa and Bruno.....ick....totally a dog's name. Nevermind. I don't like Bruno.) Or I mean let's just call him Fredererick (say it right! There are two 'er's in there). Fred for short. This guy was trouble. Total cowboy. Tan from the sun, lean muscles. Loved to sing country songs in my ear and dance me across the floor (cheesy, I know). We just graduated high school, one of those hot summer nights. We had gone down to the creek to go swimming and were just heading back into town. Driving in my geo metro, singing to the radio, windows rolled down. I had a tank top on.....and well..... a bug flew in. A big nasty bug. Went right down the front of that yellow tank top. Right between the girls. And what did I do? Screaming, both hands still on the wheel, I crushed that little bug......crushed him good.......Fred's face was priceless. Eyes got big, not understanding what was going on or why I suddenly had such great cleavage (I apologize, I'm usually very modest but come on...we were swimming). Snickering the whole time and quite mortified that I had just squished a nasty nasty thing in between my cha-chas, I asked him to look away while I dug out what little remained of that poor little bugger who was probably just flying along enjoying himself. Not paying attention and certainly unaware of the violation he was about to carry out. HA! I know, I know....not one of my most lady-like moments in all of history. We also serenaded a biker while at a stoplight that night. Loud and obnoxious, singing out the window. Teenagers. Sheesh.
I really liked Fred. He would always say really cheesy, sweet things to me and even though I usually laughed in his face whenever he gave one of his lines, he still wanted to hang out. Also a great kisser.
We hung out a lot. We also went swimming a lot. Another Summer's night, I snuck out of my house around midnight. We went down to a lake to go for a swim under the full moon. Pretty cool. The only thing about impromptu adventures, however, is that they're, well--impromptu--and don't really give you anytime to, .....prepare properly. And by that I mean, I definitely went wearing shorts without having shaved my legs in an embarrassingly long time. So while sitting on the bank of the water, Fred scootched up nice and close, and laid is hand on my bare, prickly thigh. And froze. I felt him tense. So. BAD. And I started laughing. So. hard.
It's okay, I said, you can move your hand, I won't be offended. I know it's bad.
No, no! Was his reply. It's totally fine.
And there we sat for a few more minutes, me laughing really hard and Fred too nice to remove his hand off my prickly thigh. HA! If I were normal, I probably would have hid my face in shame and embarrassment and never speak to Fred again. But no. I laughed. And laughed and laughed. Oh stubborn Fred. If you ever read this, I hope you are doing well.

Then there was this guy I dated in high school. Bad boy. Total idiot. And so was I for dating him. Parents didn't approve and they were definitely in the right to forbid me to continue dating this kid. We'll name him Laman (did I just do a Book of Mormon reference and compare this past boyfriend of mine to Laman who was also not so nice in the Book of Mormon? Why yes, yes I did. You're quick to catch on...). I suppose the funniest time with Laman was when I pushed him out of my car.....while I was still driving. Sure, I was only going about 25 mph.....only.....My mother, bless her, was rightfully suspicious that I had been with Laman. So she was following me in her car around town. I sped away, turning corners, giving myself enough space to lose the baggage. He rolled nice. Right into the dirt. After all the drama he caused, I look back on that with amusement and satisfaction. hehehe

Oh and lots not forget about the time a guy took me to a Rockies game. We'll call him "Guy". While I was standing up cheering, stretching my legs, Guy thought it'd be cute to slap me in the butt. Take care, I had only gone on a few dates with this kid and still barely knew him. So, being me, I turned around, slapped him pretty hard in the face, and then continued enjoying myself at the game. Cheering as if nothing had happened. His face? Another priceless memory.

I could go on.
Like the time a fella took me out on a ride on his motorcycle. I had capris on and while hopping off his bike at the gas station to fill up, my calve briefly touched the exhaust pipe on the bike. The steaming, incredibly, searing hot pipe that seared off a great deal of skin and left a round scar for months. I didn't even cry out. Didn't want him to feel bad for my idiot mistake. He found out later anyway. That wound was huge and hard to miss unfortunately.
Or the time this other gentlemen proposed to me over text message about six or seven times. Trying to convince me that it'd be great for everyone if we got married. He promised to pay my way through school and buy me a nicer car. Tooootally should have taken his offer. Dang it.....

Then there was an incident when my date and I were questioned by a cop and had our car searched by the nice officers on duty. I had pulled over at the gas station because I was convinced I had heard an animal in my back seat. I asked the guy I was on the date with if he would check it out. So he did. Yelling in surprise, his whole body suddenly lurched forward just as he reached under the seat. I screamed. Really loud and basically jumped out of my skin. Had a nice little out-of-body experience before coming back to reality to hit the fella over the head who was laughing so hard thinking he was so incredibly clever. Two cop cars just so happened to be in the parking lot of the gas station. Heard the scream. Saw me beating up a fella. Anyways, you get the picture. It ended up with a lot of laughter and thankfully, no wild animal was to be found. Or drugs. Or a body. Or any illegal weapons. Or anything like that....*whew* close one, right?

I could go on. I have a lot of stories. But this post is too long as it is. If I haven't lost you yet, I'm impressed at your will to endure.
I shall dub thee ultimate endurer. Kneel.

Dating, right?

Cheers to the memories.