I don't want to forget.

I think of her and I remember how she struggled in life. How she fought to figure out her place in the world. I remember her joy in being a part of something, anything. For her, it was soccer, it was the High School band. It was music. It was a small group of friends and a table to sit at during lunch.

I think of her giggle, her jokes, her glares.
I think of how she constantly fought her parents, her siblings, the system. How she struggled.
I remember her joy and hugging her when she cried. . . of witnessing a tender moment between her and her older sister once at girls' camp as they realized how much they loved each other. Sobbing and apologizing.
She was always making jokes, always poking fun. She wanted to be happy. She strived to be happy.
Her dreams were to be a musician, an artist, a river guide. She was curious, she was daring. She explored and pushed limits, bent rules.

I'm not sure why I started to think of her.
She popped into my head and it made me sad. It made me sad because I haven't spared her a thought in a little while. After her passing I was so stricken with grief. Everyone was. Her and two of her friends. Car accident. 16 years old. It was tragic. It was sudden. Unexpected.
I'm thankful for her. For knowing her. She wasn't perfect.
I think we have a tendency to idealize those who have passed on. I know I certainly do. I read something I had begun to write some time after the accident but was never really able to finish. . . It was because I wasn't being honest with myself. I was romanticizing the whole incident, going on about what she taught me, what a wonderful perfect person she was. . . but no. . . she was human. . . and to be honest, I'm not sure what exactly it was she taught me. . . And like me and the rest of us, she made a lot of mistakes, walked down the wrong path once or twice, struggled to fit in at high school. . .
She was human. And I loved her like a younger sister for that.
I don't want to forget. .  and I'm grateful that she came across my mind tonight.

I'm grateful for all my wonderful friends and loved ones who have passed on. Old and young.
For my dear soccer coach who we referred to as grandpa. He looked like the guy from the monopoly game and was always smiling. . . always teaching. . .always worried we didn't stretch enough before a game. . .

To my dear great grandparents whom I miss so much it makes my being ache. . . my great Grandma Snow held my hand in church every Sunday. She gave sloppy kisses and was always fun to listen to as she spoke of years long since passed. . . Grandpa Snow was a loving kind man. . . cut roses out of his garden for us whenever we visited and gave wonderful hugs. . . he loved trains. . . he loved his wife and she loved him. He went before she did. I'm glad they are together again. . .

I'm grateful for my 6th grade teacher. . .

And the sweet older lady I used to help take care of and clean for. . . She was always quick to tell me what to do but never slow in showing her appreciation and love. . .

I love them all and thank Heavenly Father to let me know such wonderful people on this earth. I think of the friends and family I have now and I feel truly blessed.
I am truly blessed.

So incredibly blessed.