I received a text message today from a fella I used to date.
Let me re-phrase.
I received a text message today from a friend I went on one, super long, date with when I was 17 (he was 22 at the time).
No no. Wait.
I received a text message today from an acquaintance who told me after one super long date and a few phone chats/ instant messaging on the MSN and an extremely sweet good night kiss that I was a person he felt extremely comfortable with who he probably wanted to marry one day and was disappointed when I told him no, that I didn't want to have a long distance serious relationship at the age of 17 (almost 18) and on my 18th birthday, sent me chocolate kisses, and a very sweet present (a movie called "Up in Arms"--super old, super hard to find) even though he finally gave up on waiting for me to change my mind and was finally giving this sweet girl who had liked him for a long long time a chance and was in the beginning stages of a relationship with her, whom he'd one day marry.
Go figure.
After he proposed, he told me he was engaged by saying "I have some good news and some bad news. . . The good news is, I got a job in Denver and will be closer to where you are in Colorado! The bad news is. . . I'm engaged!!!"
Again, go figure.
I'm making him sound a bit crazy. And yah, maybe it was a bit crazy at the time but that wasn't my original intention in writing this post. He is a great guy. Very caring, very funny and in all actuality, we were great together. The one date we had started in the morning and I didn't say goodbye to him until midnight. We did all sorts of romantic junk, including snuggling in the park and having the sprinklers turn on and drench our snuggly bodies. He also awkwardly asked me to dance in the parking lot to a song on the radio before walking me to the stairs, in which he was so tall, I had to stand on the second step to even kiss him good night.
He texted me today telling me the great news that his wife is pregnant with their second child.
And that got me thinking. . .
What if. . .
Granted, I was extremely young when I first met him and so beyond not ready for marriage. But what if. . .
And then I started thinking about another great guy I dated my freshman year of college. . . He was so interesting and funny and really listened. He's the reason I got into rock climbing (which I love) and he had a deep respect for the outdoors and was interested in world affairs and politics. I really admired that about him. I broke it off when he started speaking of marriage. . . Now he's married. He told all his friends when I broke it off that no guy will ever be good enough for me.
What if. . .
And that's what I was thinking about today. I've dated. If I wanted to be married by now, I could have been. And I look at all my friends getting married, having kids, going on missions or making these great big, grown up changes and choices and it's hard not to compare cards. . . I guess I just played my hand differently.
And I'm writing this because I think it's important. I think it's important for people to know that I'm grateful for the decisions I've made. I know some people say I have commitment issues and I know my dear Grandmother whom I love dearly believes I'm afraid of falling in love. . . but that's not it. . . I wasn't ready for it then. . . I needed to grow. To learn. To be humbled, stretched, and refined. I needed to rely on my Father in Heaven and upon myself before relying and falling in love with anyone else.
I feel like, in my hometown at church, people wonder why I'm not dating, why I'm not going on a mission, why haven't I become a Mormon adult woman who makes big life changes and choices yet. . . What is she waiting for, they say, or what a shame she can't find a boyfriend, or I hope she settles down soon.
But no.
I feel good about all my decisions I've made. I feel grateful for all the mistakes that I've also made that have made me who I am today. I'm glad I'm single and not desperate for attention from others who may not appreciate me. I appreciate me.
Who's to say. . . Maybe, if I had been more willing, I'd be happily married right now with two kids and people in my home ward would nod with approval. But I've decided I can't do that--I can't think like that. And no one should do that to themselves. It's pointless to think about the 'what ifs'. . . I prefer to keep with the 'if so's and 'yah huh's . . .
If so. . . then I will. . . but not yet. . .
Yah huh. . . I'm owning up to my decisions. . . and yah huh, I'm darn happy.
So even though, I was thinking silliness, thinking foolishly, "that might have been me", I'm grateful that its not.
Darn happy and learning something new every day.
Gosh, I'm such a cheese ball.
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